Top Two Living Beatles
Lincoln Strong ∙ 11/28/2020 ∙ November 2020
Since the height of their popularity in the 1960s, the renowned pop “group” The Beatles has lost much of its status and acclaim. This is in no small part thanks to the mysterious departure of two former members, “Curious” George Harrison, and John “Vladimir” Lennon. It’s been said that John left because of throat issues, apparent from his last few performances, where his voice is obviously shot. Regardless, many members are still around today, so let’s rank them!
Ringo Bingo Bango
Rango Stango, drummer for the Beatley Boys, starts off our list at number two. Unfortunately for him, an anonymous survey of Beatles fans rendered it impossible for us to put him in anywhere but last place. An unfortunate thing, as his drumming skills are matched only by his fashion sense, as both are at the level of a middle schooler.
Famous for his characteristic sunglasses and side whiskers, Ringus Stringus Bingus has been a fan unfavorite for years and is evidently an immortal, soulless vampire. His beady black eyes, young appearance, black clothes, and inability to look directly at the sun make it quite clear that he has been turned. If on any occasion you see this man, run. Run before it’s too late. You value your blood, don’t you? RUN!
Paul Cart Mall Cop
Bassist and hypothesized vocalist of the Bee Gees, Paul tops our list at number one. Of the two surviving members, Paul is definitely one of them!
His long, storied career ended abruptly in 2005 when he retired from music to pursue part-time mall security. This led to two high-budget documentary films based on his goofy mall antics, where he was depicted by Oscar-winning actor Kevin James.
Polly McColly will definitely go down in history as one of the musicians of all time! With the holiday season coming around, be sure to give a listen to his legendary single, “Simply Having a Wonderful Non-Denominational Winter Holiday Time.”