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The Diary of a Merge Mansion Addict: An Autobiography

by for January 2022 • January 28, 2022

#From the field#PSA#Listicle

Entry #1:

  • I saw this ad for the game called Merge Mansion. It looks terrible. I want to buy it. 
  • I have decided to download it. It is interesting so far. The main purpose of the game is to merge two of the same objects together. It’s simple, but very enjoyable. I don’t know why. 

Entry #2:

  • I told my friends about this game. They looked at me like I was crazy. 
  • I spent the entirety of 2nd period curled up in a ball in the corner of the mezzanine playing Merge Mansion. Sadie was with me. I think she had fun. I am not very sure. 
  • Sadie told me that the first law of thermodynamics says that the more you merge, the closer your objects get to becoming black holes; they get really dense from all the stuff going into them. I missed a chance to make a “your mother” joke there. All I could do was merge. 
  • I was also told that there is a one in seven billion chance that if my hands touch one another that the atoms will interlock just so that they’ll merge. I want to try it. 

Entry #3:

  • The more I get into this game, the more confusing it gets. Something’s very suspicious about the grandma. I think she’s D.B. Cooper, but I cannot be certain. She rakes a lot. I wonder what she’s raking. 

Entry #4:

  • It’s knives. Grandma is raking knives. 

Entry #5:

  • I’ve started to find my own grandma to be more than a little suspicious, too. She has an ENTIRE drawer dedicated to cutlery. She has a whole drawer for knives. What does she need those knives for, to merge into a rake?? Preposterous. 
  • I have realized that I know that knives merge into rakes off the top of my head. What’s next? Knowing that rakes merge into shears, and shears merge into wheelbarrows, and wheelbarrows merge into saws, and saws merge into shovels, and shovels mer-

Entry #6:

  • I have started to shove random objects together to see if they will merge. One day it will work. One day…

Entry #7: 

  • I was late to school today. I stayed in bed and played Merge Mansion until I was out of energy. I couldn’t get up. I was paralyzed. 
  • During one of my free periods I hung out with my friends. One of them said the word “emerging” and I immediately started repeating “Merge? Merge? Merge! Merge?” I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. I was like one of the seagulls from the hit Disney movie “Finding Nemo.” I don’t remember how that ended, I blacked out. I think this is starting to become an issue.

Entry #8:

  • They say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. I didn’t do that. My first step was googling “What to do when you are addicted to Merge Mansion.” I couldn’t find anything but addresses to rehab centers. Extremely unhelpful. 
  • I then tried googling “MMA,” for “Merge Mansions Anonymous.” I found a bunch of sweaty homosexuals performing some sort of wrestling ritual. It was interesting, but not helpful for my situation. I bookmarked the page.

Entry #9:

  • I finally told all of my friends about my issue. They laughed in my face. I should get new ones. Ginger ones. With green eyes. Ones that like to wear yellow shirts with white shirts underneath. 

Entry #10

  • I have realized that the dream friend I was describing was the main character Maddie, from Merge Mansion. 

Entry #11

  • I have made tremendous strides today. I have deleted Merge Mansion. I don’t know what to do now. 

Entry #12

  • I tried to help my addiction by introducing myself to a new game: Candy Crush. It did not work. Nothing can ever replace the hole in my heart that Merge Mansion has left. 

Entry #13

  • Help. 
  • I have no idea what to do with my life.
  • It has been 36 days since I have seen the light of day. Oh well. There’s daylight in Merge Mansion.
  • I close my eyes and all I can think about is Merging. 
  • *sigh* 
  • Merge. 
  • CRONCH.

Entry #14

  • A bunch of black bars
  • And๓єгﻮє is
  • the one m̸̢̧̝̙̙͒̐͊̕ë̶͚̰̻̲̰͖̀̽̋̋̌̈̚ŕ̵̛̛͇̩͖̥̦̣͌̏̅͝g̷̠͙͉̙̓̇͂ẽ̵̛̯̗͍̟̽̔̂͝ can see 
  • (does this count as formatting)【m】【e】【r】【g】【e】ehehjdnhe

Tags: #From the field#PSA#Listicle

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