NBC’s new show, “The Choice,” has recently received backlash over its alleged murder of 46 adults, 7 teenagers, and 3 of what we think are capybaras (last one was a classic prop malfunction but people are still in a frenzy).

The rules of the show are simple: you choose the right door, good! You win. You choose the wrong door and three smooth-faced men grab you and drag you by your ankles as the camera closely follows. The last thing your family will ever see of you will be your terrified face on the TV screen.

An anonymous network exec issued the following statement in regards to the outrage: “I thought it would be funny.” Well according to Twitter, it wasn’t.

We caught up with one of the judges, Lauralyn Ashly, as she was “vibin'” (vibrating?) outside of a local fire station. The poor woman was shaking like a leaf with no winter coat on. I was worried until she assured me that her shaking was intentional actually.

Lauralyn Ashly: “Sometimes I go here to hear…people…I feel like with all the sirens going weeewooweewoo and stuff I can finally drown out the noise and just hear people…myself mostly, y'know ?” Charlotte Rotlander: “Is your ear throbbing? You’re touching it and wincing.” Ashly: “Everything will be okay. My ear’s fine two weeks from now so it’s fine now.” Rotlander: “Okay! Hey listen, what do you have to say to little Timmy Bob? You took that boy’s father away from him.” Ashly: “Yea I know my agent told me he like, tripped. Ugh. Poor dude. Hang in there kid, it only gets worse,” Rotlander: “No…he was dragged into a yellow door and hasn’t been seen since the production of the show wrapped up, which was months ago.” Ashly: “Oh” Rotlander: “Yeah.” Ashly: “I think I hear him now… in the sirens” Rotlander: “I’m sorry, could you say that a little louder? It’s sorta hard to hear.” Ashly: “THE SIRENS. I HEAR THAT MAN INSIDE THE SOUND OF THE SIRENS. WAS HIS NAME RICKY?” Rotlander: “NO. BUT I DID HAVE A DOG NAMED RICKY AND I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S DEAD NOW. RAN AWAY. LOOK I REALLY HAVE TO G-”
Ashly: “I know where he is.”
Rotlander: “WHAT?” Ashly: “I know where that boy’s father is. He’s half alive but he’ll be gone soon,” Rotlander: “I’M SO SORRY I REALLY CAN’T HEAR.” Ashly: “NEVERMIND. I’M GONNA BE LATE TO YOGA CLASS. TOODLES.” Well, that was a lost cause. They did set a few people free, but we only managed to make contact with the weirdest one: Nestor Lester.

All Nestor Lester felt like saying was “Something under NBC” like over and over again. At one point I said “Yeah, dude, probably like dirt and stuff, right?” He paused for a second before letting out a quiet yet painfully long scream…? I got bored halfway through the scream and hung up.