Gabrielle Greenblatt

November 2020

Ten Instances of Phenomenal Reporting by The Survey

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We all know Sharpies, the snack for your meeting room eating. Almost everybody has tried one of these tubed snacks though they’re probably not best to eat with your hands, turns out mom was right the whole time. A recent study from Hamburg (2022) shows that while members of the working class downs several a day, only 19% of consumers even realize that they have flavors.

“I thought all flavors were the same, like Froot Loops,” commented economist Stevie Urkel.

So the new question on everybody’s mind is, Which flavor is objectively the best? While culinary professionals have already stated their opinions, their lavish recommendations are just too expensive and nonsensical for the average person to ever care about. That's why we at the radish are here to use our collective 1.6 hours of kitchen experience to recommend you the top 10 best flavors of sharpies

10: Cabochon Coral

Not everybody likes desaturated sharpies. To many they taste bland, but with Cabochon coral what is lost in taste is more than made up for with texture. Taking hints from the various other reds, this flavor is quite sweet and a little liquidy but what takes the prize is its tropical tanginess that spills through the pores. While the slightly bitter taste itself leaves a bit to be desired as well as a red tropical flavor honestly making little sense, I typically find myself nibbling a little on this before meetings, letting the peachy spice of the aftertaste lie in my tongue.

9: Banana Clip Yellow

Banana is generally one of the consistently great flavors in all food products and this one is no exception. A hint of milk has been added to enhance the creamy yet muted taste. The only issues are the unusually dark tone of the sharpie and how it barely tasted like an actual banana, the former of which has actually worked wonderfully for popularizing it with an older audience. 

8: Berry

One of the more popular flavors that you can find in any typical pack of sharpies is unsurprisingly on this list. Berry is exactly as advertised, it tastes like berries and does a good job of incorporating the taste of Blueberry but with some traces of more exciting flavors. Not much to say about this that hasn’t already been said. Though some will say that this one in particular is a little overrated, it still is really good.

7: Almond

This is by far the most controversial pick on this list but before I continue, I just want to make it clear; recent events have made me knock this down several spots on this list but this flavor is still inherently good even though TikTok trends have ruined it for many. It may taste bland but it accomplishes what it sets out to do. Be a good appetizer for those over the age of 60. It’s organic taste and the unique ‘pop’ it makes when it touches your lips makes this one of the best to lick for the flavor. 

6: Racey Red
![image](https://raw.githubusercontent.com/The-Radish-BTHS/The_Radish_BTHS/7166801bec2296882a86260af91e286a32f81747/public/images/racey_red.png)
This is the true red, the sweet sugar rush that everybody expected from their typical red. This technically has a caffeine equivalent solution thatwhich makes it illegal in select nations which is why it’s only at 6th. This may change soon as the sharpie company is expecting to start lobbying said countries' political systems by the end of next year in an effort to “Bring Racey Red to the world”. 

5: Tangerine
![image](https://raw.githubusercontent.com/The-Radish-BTHS/The_Radish_BTHS/7166801bec2296882a86260af91e286a32f81747/public/images/pure_tangerine.png)
Did Cabochon Coral catch your attention but you’d like something available in your local retail store. Tangerine is a wonderful alternative, with its signature leafy scent making itthis a must-havemust have delectable. Not much to be said about one of the all time favorites, especially when it’s the favorite of all of our interns here at The Radish.

4: Aquamarine
![image](https://raw.githubusercontent.com/The-Radish-BTHS/The_Radish_BTHS/7166801bec2296882a86260af91e286a32f81747/public/images/aquamarine.png)
Almost nobody likes blue flavorsa blue flavor. They all taste the same and don't warrant the absurd quantity of them, so it’s no surprise that the best blue toned sharpie is the least blue or saturated of the lot. This barely even qualifies as a blue, yet it’s everybody’s favorite simply because it tastes refreshing and a little minty while also not being as overwhelming as too sensory overwhelming like the other blue flavors. Sharpie has done the world a tremendous favor when it comes to this one.

3: Leg Warmer Orange: 
![image](https://raw.githubusercontent.com/The-Radish-BTHS/The_Radish_BTHS/7166801bec2296882a86260af91e286a32f81747/public/images/leg_warmer_orange.png)
Sharpie, of all food brands, decided to make an energy/protein snack and this is seriously amazing. The peanutty taste compliments the light crackling of typical Sharpie products. It also improves workplace productivity (something the advertising team at sharpie doesn’t doesnt want you to forget). I’ve never gone more than a week without seeing this out in public and for good reason. It might not be the best but it’s deservingly one of the most popular.

2: Mint
![image](https://raw.githubusercontent.com/The-Radish-BTHS/The_Radish_BTHS/7166801bec2296882a86260af91e286a32f81747/public/images/peace_land_mint.png)
It’s just another minty flavor, I'm personally biased towards these but I digress, this is a must have and it’s my personal favorite. Can you believe how well the softness of this flavor works with a typical sharpie quality?. I am genuinely disappointed this has no chisel tip edition of it anywhere yet subpar flavors (like black and lime) have theirs. I’d pay extra to down these icy tubes in larger quantities though the stickiness of this one just barely keeps it out of my personal favorite.


Before we get into the #1, we have some honorable mentions that we felt like deserved a shout out. 

Metallic Trio (bronze, silver & gold): Their glossy taste is quite pristine and is the favorite of many chefs. However they’re too expensive for anybody to rationally buy.

Optic Orange: It improves your eyesight which earns points for accurate marketing. Unfortunately, it’s slightly radioactive which has gotten it forgotten about.


1: Celestial Gray


This sharpie actually makes you smarter. Research shows that babies who took this sharpie had their reflexes improve up to 3% over the span of 7 years. If anything this is the one sharpie that everyone can enjoy, whether or not you know better than to stick it in your ear. Truly the snack for everybody. 


Top 10 best tasting sharpies


1. Write a well-supported essay using at least four of the provided documents in order to back up your historical claim. 

2. Drill a hole in the ceiling and slowly descend with a rope carrying you mission impossible style. Then say some weird codename into your walkie talkie (like "Operation Make-you-mine is a success"). Then use a suction cup to grip the crush by the back. Now get your friend (realistically you won't have any so you need to beg your mom) to pull up on the rope hoisting you and the crush out of view where you can now confess your love in private (except for mom, she'll probably stay).

3. What you have to do must be done very strategically. First you must make sure you and your crush are together in a quiet room with a lot of other people like a library or a quiet euclidean geometry classroom because witnesses are key. Then, be assertive. Do not say silly things like; "Wanna grab lunch some time?" or "Can we grab coffee?" because this "grabby" behaviour will give your crush the ick. Instead tell them in a decently loud voice: "You will go out with me." All of your witnesses will turn their heads and your crush will be stunned. In a happy way. You could also say, "Are you really asking me out?!" in an excited manner so they have no choice but to respond with an enthusiastic "yes!"

4. Ask them out by carrier pigeon!!

5. Bird-style mating dance

6. Get too nervous and throw up on their shoes. Girls love guys who are vulnerable and not afraid to show emotion!

7. did you just fart? cause you just blew me away

8. Vodka is very good for getting lady. Make sure you have five bottle of vodka in drawer. I know you are 14 or older. Old enough. I was 4 when I first drank vodka. You are much older than vodka drinking age. 

9. Drop to your knees and beg. Shock factor is encouraged. The louder the thud of your knees hitting the floor the better. Snot and tears may help your case. Flowers optional. Singing and serenading are mandatory. The more onlookers the better. 

10. Throw stew at (on?) them. 

11. Walk up to them, say skibidi toilet, and then do the griddy.

12. Let them take the first hit of your vape in the gender neutral bathroom.

13. Dedicate a song to them on social media.

14. Don’t. It’s too dangerous to risk possibly facing rejection. It’s clearly a better idea to just stay lonely forever.


Top 14 INSANE Ways to Ask Your Crush Out This Valentine's Day

Why AirBud is the REAL Basketball GOAT

![Airbud](https://github.com/The-Radish-BTHS/The_Radish_BTHS/blob/59a7e12d4cdd75eaf775257dc199d9123129b74c/public/images/airbud.png?raw=true)

(Disclaimer: The authors of this article have never seen any movie in the Air Bud franchise. Take any claims of GOAT status at your own risk.)

You've undoubtedly heard the debate before. Who is the greatest basketball player of all time: LeBron James, the ageless wonder, or Michael Jordan, the explosive legend of the 90s? We could go on and on about scoring titles, championships, MVP awards, and even cultural impact. However, one fact has been constantly overlooked in this heated debate: there's no rule that says a dog can't play basketball. Let's leave the humans to numbers 2 and 3 and focus on the transcendent talent of one Air Bud.

From a young age, Air Bud seemed to be fated to dominate the world. One great might be nicknamed “Air” Jordan – Bud came into this world as a predetermined MENACE. With his legendary agility, speed, and killer instinct, Air Bud rolled through his kennel leagues at an unprecedented level and was drafted at the young age of 3. One anonymous coach was quoted as saying: “We’ve seen plenty of players who have ‘that dawg’ in them before. Never before could we have foreseen somebody who is only ‘that dawg.’”

Off the court, Bud strengthens his case as the GOAT on the silver screen. Let’s count together: Michael Jordan has Space Jam. LeBron has Space Jam 2, and a handful of other appearances. THERE ARE 14 MOVIES IN THE ENTIRE AIR BUD DYNASTY. Not to mention, Jordan was carried by his animated superteam of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and NBA legend Elmer Fudd while Air Bud won it all by putting the team on his doggy back.

Let’s not forget about the Bud Dynasty! Air Bud is the father to five ultra-athletic puppies, each with the potential to surpass their father’s basketball prowess. Now in comparison, MJ’s sons have both had little success on the court, while LeBron’s sons are still being hyped up despite the undeniable eventual disappointment that they could never meet the level of the Buddies (the Bud progeny). Before we know it, every athlete will be a Bud-decedent. Doesn't that sound fun?

Are you picking up what I’m putting down? If you need anything else, let’s delve into some superfluous stats: 30 points per game. 12 assists per game. 50 smiles per game. The all-time leader in hearts warmed. A luscious golden sheet of fur. Proficiency in 4 other sports (seriously, look it up. They made 5 mainline Air Bud movies.) There is simply no argument for anybody else to claim the #1 spot. No other player has implanted himself so deeply in our society than this damn dog. Air Bud has been the GOAT, he is the GOAT, and he will be the GOAT. 

NOTE: There is an Air Bud Wiki site. Do with that information as you will


Why Air Bud Is The Real Basketball GOAT

Following the success of her re-recorded album 1989, famed singer Taylor Swift takes up an offer from local NYC high school to re-record their morning announcements. 


“1, 2, 3 let’s go Brooklyn Tech! We know the old announcements All Too Well so it was time for a change, are you Ready For It? Don’t Blame Me if the news doesn’t meet your Wildest Dreams. I had an Epiphany when the King of my Heart, David Newman, called and asked me to re-record the Delicate masterpiece that is the BTHS morning announcements. At first I thought it was a Hoax, but the man has Style, so I decided to become a Mastermind. Tis the Damn Season of the holidays, and the end of the first marking period. Make sure to turn in all your assignments or lose your Happiness when your grades fall and, and you’ll have no choice but to Tolerate It. The theater department is Enchanted to announce the fall play, Lost in Yonkers. It had been in the works since August, One of the COSAs has turned into a Mad Woman orchestrating the masterpiece, to the point that her Cardigan disintegrated! A new cafe has opened on Cornelia Street, I will not be attending because I refuse to walk it again, but I Wish You Would go support the local business! The BTHS boys soccer team has made it to the playoffs! I want to remind everyone that we have no Bad Blood, rivalry, you can Call It What You Want, with other schools, but we are The 1! Remember that Daylight savings is in effect, and the sun sets shortly after tenth, so meet me in the Afterglow and take in the beauty of the early sunsets. Thank you for entrusting ME! to re-record your announcements. Remember to keep the hallways Clean, even though this place is far from Wonderland, we can keep it cleaner than Paris. Let’s make sure today Hits Different! A sincere apology has been issued to Samuel Ashkenas. No more whimsical Wednesdays, only Taylor Tuesdays. 


Taylor Swift Re-records Morning Announcements 

Has this ever happened to you? 

It’s the first week of school and you’re sitting in your eleventh grade English teacher’s office and in walks the club advisor for the club that you’re the president of. Your mind fills with wonderful ideas for the upcoming school year: new members, new articles, new memories. You turn to said advisor and you say “Hey Mr. Pail. Aren’t you so excited for the 2023-2024 year of the Sad dish?!” He turns back and utters 5 simple words that make the glimmer of hope leave your eyes, “Oh. You’re gonna hate me.” 

The first thought that runs through your head is, He can’t seriously be pregnant. This is going to be like the fifteenth time we’ve lost an advisor because they’ve gotten pregnant. What’s with these English teachers? Have they ever gone to the nurse’s office before? But what comes out of his mouth would be worse than your average sized head could ever imagine. 

“I’m getting married in a couple weeks.”

Oh god. This was worse than you thought. If he’s getting married that means he’s gonna be gone for 2-3 weeks tops! That's such an inconvenient time frame! Too long of a time that you can’t meet for a couple weeks, but too short of a time that you can’t get a completely new advisor. 

You decide to ignore the problem for now and face it when it surfaces again.

Then the problem surfaces again.

So what do you do? You ignore it and you decide to wait it out. Mr. Pail can meet October 25th, surely your club members can wait until then right? WRONG! Everyone keeps asking you left and right when the next meeting is. “I DON’T KNOW! MR. PAIL IS GETTING MARRIED.” They expect you to know when he leaves. They expect you to know when he gets back. They expect you to know the location and number of guests at his wedding. You don’t know that stuff! And frankly you’re offended you’re not the best man at the wedding!

Nonetheless the weekend before October 25th rolls around and you’re ready to have this first meeting until you receive an email from the president of the TCT (Tech Club Team, if you recall) that contains the dates of this year’s club fair. Lo and behold, one of the days is October 25th. Erm what the flip man. Now you don’t know whether you can hold your meeting or not because the TCT is withholding the date that your club is supposed to attend. You can’t start planning for the meeting on October 25th because you might have to participate in the club fair instead. And even if your club is supposed to attend on October 26th, some other club might be using the room instead. Ugh.

Now you’re confused, discouraged, and a little bit hungry because you haven’t eaten dinner yet. So what are you going to do? You’re going to write an official explanation to your club and to the people about why you haven’t had a meeting yet. You sit at your desk and you start drafting, but everything sounds too formal. Your club isn’t formal. So you decide to write the explanation in the form of another article. You open up a new google doc, sit down on your couch, and the first line just pours right out:

Has this ever happened to you?

Of course this has happened to you. This is a universal experience!


(ps. Thanks to phoenix for helping me right this, and on the behalf of the exec board, we’re sorries 🥺)

how to cope when your club advisor is getting married

I told her to spit it out but she didn’t listen. I don’t think she understands English so I guess I’ll have to teach her. I was just sitting at my dining table doing the hundred pages of long division assigned to me by my teacher when my dog made my hand slip and pushed all the papers off the table and into her mouth. She ate them all in an instant. 


I immediately panicked, opening her mouth and trying to get the papers out but there was nothing to salvage, not even a scrap, she had gobbled it down like a box of steaming hot cheez-it soup and I couldn’t stop her. I proceeded to have a staring contest with her. Usually my steel gaze can get me whatever I want out of a person. Well, you know what they say: you can take the dog out of the homework but you can’t take the homework out of the dog. I really tried. You have to trust me. 


That’s exactly what I told Ms. Tood-a-loo but she didn’t believe me. She put me in the chokey for exactly one fortnight instead.


Then, the craziest thing happened: My dog came to school. In all her glory; a bright pink jacket from ruffwear, a pink rain hat with holes for her ears and a neck warmer because she has a really long, really cold, neck. I was stunned that she was able to find her way here. Let’s just say that the students here are very…strong-smelling. She walked right into class, oblivious to the envious stares she received from my peers and ate every single paper from off Ms. Tood-a-loo’s desk. Chaos erupted. 

“That’s a dog!” It is!

“That’s my dog!” No, it’s mine.

“Hey, that was my essay!” Nobody asked.

“What’s up dog?!” Nothing much. 

Someone picked the fire extinguisher off the wall and attempted to extinguish my dog, but her fiery spirit could not be put out. It was inextinguishable. She was inextinguishable. And she was an inextinguishable dog with a mission. She ran through the aisles, knocking papers off desks and consuming them without a thought behind her greedy eyes. Textbooks, notebooks, paper airplanes; all gone in seconds. Anything that didn’t breathe was an unmoving target. She was the canine recycler on a rampage. Her tail wagged at top speed, shoveling papers into her open mouth as she pranced around; joyful, and full of tasty homework. 


Ms. Tood-a-loo was flabbergasted, she told me she couldn’t believe how long and cold my dog’s neck was. Then she told me she’d need those papers back and that I needed to stop being in such 

“A silly goofy mood.” But I couldn’t go back. 
I told her, “You can’t make a canine recycler into a canine un-recycler!” She finally agreed and let me go with only three broken hands and a warning to “never ever be silly OR goofy on the premises of her school again.” 


On the bright side, my unnamed dog received an early acceptance to UPenn with a full ride scholarship! It seems that eating people's papers is just what a business needs when they commit tax fraud!


The Radish

Ten Instances of Phenomenal Reporting by The Survey

More Articles: Feast on these!

Top 10 best tasting sharpies

Top 14 INSANE Ways to Ask Your Crush Out This Valentine's Day

Why Air Bud Is The Real Basketball GOAT