Last month, notorious mobster Fettuccine Alfredo Cannoli (alias “Big Boy”) was found guilty of bribery, tax evasion, and drug trafficking, alongside 68.7* other charges. He was sentenced to life in prison. Big Boy could have gotten a lesser sentence if he had given federal investigators the names of his fellow gang members, but he remained loyal. Reportedly, he had said “Snitches get stitches.” So his situation makes sense. Despite this, investigators were absolutely baffled when they found Cannoli’s holding cell empty. “All that was left was the smell of pasta,” says Detective Chunky “The Chunkster” Ratatouille. Fortunately, the CIA was able to track Cannoli’s movements. Using a certain technology we’re not allowed to reveal to the public, we now know that Mr. Cannoli is somewhere around Rome, Italy. Investigators thought he was in Vatican City. So, they planned a way to capture him. But while they were planning, shocking news broke out. A new Pope had been selected, a glorious, yet somewhat oversized new Pope: Fettuccine Alfredo Cannoli, the Big Boy himself! Now, one might ask, “Naiar, how is it possible for an infamous criminal to become the Pope?” See, the minimum requirement to become the Pope is being a male Catholic. Cannoli simply “convinced” the College of Cardinals using “creative arguments” that he, and only he, was the best choice for Pope. Now that Cannoli is protected by the Church, not only is he safe from the authorities, but also is safe from rival factions within the church due to a shake up of senior church officials. A highly trusted source tells The Radish, “He’s confessed his sins and washed them away with holy water. He’s a new man.” Despite this, in addition to naming convicted mobsters Colin Pisani and Francesco Onofrio as Cardinals, he has also declared several of his former associates saints for miracles such as “getting Tony to pay up” and “springing me out of the slammer.” From now on, Mr. Cannoli can only be addressed as His Holiness, Pope Big Boy. *Big Boy receives a 5% off frequent offender card